Film: A Cock & Bull Story (Michael Winterbottom)

Being previously unaware of this film’s existence, the trailer snuck up and made me cry with laughter. This initial reaction, which I seem to remember was coupled with an unreserved squeal of delight, came as a result of hearing Rob Brydon’s Alan Partridge impression. Could that possibly be real? And, if so, why had I never heard it before? Genius. Plus, Brydon on the big screen was surprisingly aesthetically satisfying. There was something suave about him, and I was rather taken aback. Or maybe movie lighting is just more forgiving than a handheld on the passenger seat.

Steve Coogan was amusing too, but his name in lights did not provoke the same level of hero-worship from me. While I’ve been in love with Partridge since The Day Today (12 years?!), I’ve never been a big fan of Coogan. My wildly subjective reasons are thus – I don’t like the way he swanned off to Hollywood in an attempt to disregard his British tv comedy roots. And I’ve always suspected his wickedly evil portrayal of Geoff in A Small Summer Party was autobiographical. Conspiracy theories aside, I just think he comes across as a bit of an arse.

The Tristram Shandy story was an intriguing one. I would’ve liked to see the entire film, which I know wasn’t the point. Beautifully shot with big costumes and gorgeous English countryside, I half expected Kiera Knightley to come skipping into frame. If only her pretty little head could have kept up. Indeed our local paper’s film columnist - elevated to this role, I’m certain, in recognition of his possession of all three Terminator dvds - had warned me it was a plot too complicated to follow. In reality, opening your mind past the basic beginning; middle; end concept, and general concentration on the job in hand should do the trick. He obviously hasn’t learnt to multi task beyond nachos and Pepsi.

The film production scenes were also insightful, although I’m sure people in the know would tell me this was an unrealistic portrayal. That said the financial difficulties experienced in the film’s film were, if rumours are to be believed, also apparent in the real film. So perhaps behind the scenes footage of production meetings / rushes screenings of a film within a film were, in fact, a film. Or something.

Unfortunately it turned out the trailer – probably the most hilarious thing I’ve seen so far this year – contained all the funniest bits. And knowing the punch lines to all the best gags before they happened took away some of the sparkle. The jokes were padded out with Gillian Anderson, a plethora of British tv’s comedic talents and a glimpse into Coogan’s private life. Whether this was the real Coogan, the real Coogan’s portrayal of ‘Coogan’, or a bit of both, it didn’t do much to change my opinion (see earlier comments re: a bit of an arse).

As the credits rolled, so to speak, we were treated to an extended version of Brydon does Pacino. I have exhausted my thesaurus of alternatives to ‘genius’, so you’ll have to suffer it again. This was by far and away the best part of the film. Which does somewhat beg the question, why make the film (within a film) at all? After 90 odd minutes of romantic comedy, battle re-enactments that weren’t and big budget stars, we came out of the cinema howling with laughter at Rob & Steve saying “hoo haa”.

These are two terribly funny men, who produce terribly funny comedy. Their desire to use their past successes as a groundwork for something bigger and potentially better is understandable. Who wouldn’t? But at the end of the day, the public know what they like and like what they know. And to that end, Alan Partridge: The Movie is currently in pre-production. Let’s hope there are similar big screen plans in the pipeline for his fantastic rambling Cock & Bull Story co-star. Because if as some critics suggest, it’s Coogan’s show, Brydon has categorically stolen it.

TV: Dream House / Human Shield (ER episodes 12.06 & 12.07)

As my fellow ER fans dropped like flies, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to hang on. But, at the same time, I cant let go. I’ve invested circa 10 years in this thing. I cant just walk away because it’s made a few mistakes. I feel like a negligent parent.

The all-time low came last week with the monkey storyline. “It’s not a monkey, it’s an chimp”. Boom boom. No, it’s a fucking hospital. For humans. Myself and fellow ER devotee were actually forced to [swoon]sky plus[/swoon] through these segments, as we found them too offensive even to watch on mute.

The episode, as I recall, had 2 storylines. Covert animal healing (flashes of Romano, about 5 seasons ago, operating on a dog??) and Danny Glover. Because they still haven’t learnt that wheeling out a Hollywood star does not a decent episode make. The highlight was the confirmation of my suspicion that Ray’s lady friend wasn’t all she seemed. i.e. legal. I thought she was young, but 14? Yuk. Oh, and an STD to boot. Her parents must be so proud. I’ve just checked, and I missed the fact that Haleh got the shove. But then if that’s what needs to be done to pay Danny Glover the fat wedge…

A week later and the other half wasn’t keen. I conceded to put it on as background noise for our nice milky cup of tea before bed. Only we got sucked in. I tell a lie. He fell asleep and I, probably fearing RSPCC style repercussions, got sucked in. But it was good. Really good. Like proper ER.

The criminal survived, thanks to the classic “our job is to save lives, not judge them” ER sageism. The little girl died and made everyone feel shitty. Jerry got a skit, Frank got a touching moment and Neela got her baps out, again. Is she not the most actively sexy health care professional County’s ever seen? (Randy doesn’t count, she’s merely an out & out slut). Gallant was dead, but then he wasn’t. Everyone shunned Eve’s critical incident debrief. And there was that kiss. Awesome.

Laura Innes directed. While it’s a shame we see less of her character, her behind camera contribution is probably a blessing for the future of ER. Plus the one fleeting glance of Weaver in the “put my name into the mixture” exchange with Luka was just brilliant.

Next week is the much hyped plane crash episode. Which isn’t, I hope, paving the way for an ER/Lost crossover. Serena Williams fills the [insert celebrity guest star here] gap. And presumably chaos ensues. It’s a shame the outside broadcast episode had to be thrown in just as season 12 found its feet. But, on the understanding that simian primates will not feature, ER has got me for another week.

TV: 24 (Day Five Preview)

I’ve taken to reading the tv guide. I’ve only read one and a half books so far this year, but I can tell you what is showing on Saturday morning ITV2. Tragic.

In three separate publications over the weekend, ‘24’ Sky One, 9pm was Sunday’s pick of the day. Only it wasn’t 24. It was a ten minute preview for the new series which starts at the same time next week.

My heart leapt into my stomach whenever I saw the tv listing. Each time I was convinced they’d moved the premiere forward a week, to fit perfectly into my Sunday night hangover and takeaway plans. It was only after being disappointed for the third time it began to sink in that a 600 second trailer had actually been chosen as a tv pick of the day. Because 24 really is that good.

It’s been a year since Jack ‘to all intents and purpose, dead’ Bauer walked off into the sunset, looking oh-so-cool in his Aviators and man-bag. One would have hoped that his more resourceful instincts might have kicked in and at least got himself a haircut. However, in classic 24 themes, Jack is a bum. A bum with a very fancy car.

We open in Chicago, fuelling the fires of the much lauded (by me) 24/ER crossover. Hopes are dashed again when Chloe arrives to tell Jack he needs to get out of there, a-sap. Our favourite IT geek, looking rather swanky through the scowl, hangs around just long enough to deliver the killer line “I cant believe you have to live like this now”. But you just know she means it with love. A discarded mobile phone, some not so subtle product placement and a baddie (who sadly does not appear to be Mandy) on a motorbike later, and it’s over.

Kiefer’s hair, which I’d like to believe is a tribute to his former career and recent professional renaissance (or something), will no doubt be long gone when day five begins. As for the others, who knows. The most hyped series to date has spawned a surprising lack of spoilers. We know Jack has a new bird – I’m guessing post crew cut – with a bratty teenager in tow, and that some dude from LOTR shows up in a suit. President Ineptitude returns with an, apparently, even more annoying wife – an impressive feat in itself.

Rumour has it that at least one of the big guns will die in the opening few episodes. If, as I suspect, it’s one of Tony or Michelle, I will be disappointed with 24 for the first time since Teri’s memory loss saga. But I suppose a pre-emptive rant about an incident which may or may not occur, in what is the best programme on tv, period, is not really in the spirit of the current 24 mania.

Indeed, Jack fever is at an all time high. Our brooding hero adorns the walls of bus shelters, fills the commercial breaks of rival channels, and even the BBC (maybe slightly regretting the decision to hand over control of CTU to Sky, while retaining the international rights for 2 Pints of Lager) have incorporated the yellow digital clock into their winter Olympics trailer.

I understand that the show must grow in popularity in order for it to survive and avoid being cut to 18 episodes. After all, I’m guessing that some of the dramatic tension might be lost if 24 skipped directly from midnight to 7am, with the twilight hours being explained away by Jack getting some kip and having a poo. However the current world domination makes me somewhat uneasy.

Will the new crowd of viewers be lost at the inevitable mention of “since Teri”? Will they feel Tony/Michelle’s pain when Michelle/Tony is killed? Will they truly understand the significance of some baldy old guy in glasses peering round a door? And as a veteran fan (from the dizzy heights of Day 2 Episode 3 no less) why do I care so much? Maybe I’m just projecting my own fears that it wont live up to all this hype. But it’s got to. If the 10 minute preview can get three different critics pick of the day, the new series will surely blow us all away. Or at the very least, beat back to back re-runs of American Idol.